THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <-

| \    |   | blah!
|\ | `\|\  | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic

<^>

2024-08-11

It's been two years since I updated my Thinkpad X200 Tablet page, probably
because it's been about a year and a half since I started using Raspberry Pis
as my daily drivers.

Four years since I coined "catfella". Someday it might catch on.

my wifi antenna doesn't work
i have connection problems
i say hey how are you doing to strangers
no reply

: cigarette

i flick my lighter
i flick my lighter
i flick my lighter
i hold the cancer stick in my mouth
and cup my hand around the business end
i flick my lighter
inhale
i hope the entire end is burning
so it doesn't canoe
it doesn't canoe
inhale
open my mouth a little more to draw oxygen too
deep into my lungs
my ears start ringing
i can feel my blood pressure spike
head swims
i see stars, i'm so light-headed
inhale
from the pleasure end
i feel so calm
my body is anything but calm
my head hurts
a dull ache
inhale
i check the news, can't read it, put it down
look at the clouds
look at the other clouds
stub now
the cherry's in the filter
i put it out on the bottom of my boot
i smell like it
and everybody with an olfactory nerve knows
i'm cheered up as i go back inside
i feel like shit

: radio silence

i called
you didn't answer
i threw myself at the walls
of my cat carrier
i got cuffed in steel
and they were tied to the floor
and i didn't really feel
l'amor
i called
you didn't answer
i heard you were doing fine
i dug into my skin with an x-acto knife
looking for what changed
i dug into the chat logs
looking for what changed
i heard you were doing fine
i called
you didn't answer
my friends figured i did something horrible
i figured i did something horrible
and i started grasping at straws
i cut my hair
i smoked more heavily
i stopped looking both ways
i called
you didn't answer
i called a friend and asked for advice
they said nothing could justify that kind of silence
except- maybe- had i done something horrible
i didn't know
i called them again
they didn't answer
i called
you didn't answer
and because you didn't answer
i didn't have anyone to call
when i was alone at 2 am
holding an x-acto knife to my wrist and thinking
but i thought
i had to know so
i called
you didn't answer
i sent yet another text message
i posted on my blog
i laid awake at night again
i went in early to work again
i left late again
i did everything but kill myself
i called
you answered
i was overjoyed to hear your voice
after all that time
i had decided maybe i could move past the silence
after all that time
maybe you had been really busy
during all that time
when i called
when you answered
you said it was over
and i had mourned it already
had already cried my tears
had but a spark where once a fire burned
in the catacomb cage in my chest
and i said hallelujah

: equilibrium

take my box cutter and
take my arm and
box cutter
and move down to my wrist
and go with the flow
cover yourself in it
under me in the bathtub
cold like me
but soon i'll be colder
hot blood works faster than a blanket
to warm your skin
with the heat of my heart
pumping out my coolant
into the thin air
i'm still breathing
so do my neck
kiss it
with the blade
before plunging it
in a carotid
and pulling it out quickly
like you hesitated
but you didn't
so i get pulled out too
and end up
all over you
i would give myself
all of myself
every drop of myself
til i was pale faced and dry
and the hair drew from my tightened skin
and i had triangles in my eyes
if
you would just
hold my head in your hands
look into my wet eyes
still blinking
saccading
focusing
pupils dilating
bloodshot
and just
say
it's going to be okay

: old playlists

i want tender love, a Miracle Musical
but i get loveless love, Mindless Self Indulgence
i've wanted something sweet like Guster
but the best i've gotten is short; My Chemical Romance
and then returned to a spectre, haunted - call me Laura Les
i watch the shadows on the streets, a non-passing Susanne Vega
from a diner on the corner blue like Sinatra
and the devil's beating his wife til she dies and then a Creedence Clearwater
	Revival
and i listen to my old playlists and Childish Gambino
fuck this is corny

: said who

come downstairs and say hello
  how are you doing
                    say something
  your answer is?..
                    say please
     you're welcome
          you don't say
               then say so
    that's what she said
                    say uncle
please rise for the pledge of allegiance
                 be quiet
it's not your turn
      why would you say that
              don't swear
                    apologize. now
          you could say that again

<^>

No rights reserved, all rights exercised, rights turned to lefts, left in this
corner of the web.