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| \    |   | blah!
|\ | `\|\  | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic

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2024-07-31

: my acid trip

I don't remember much of my acid trip. I was working on something or another,
or maybe just doomscrolling - a rotten, nasty habit I've picked up during my
prolonged depression of about the last half year - no, wait, let's back up. So
the tab I took would have been 200ug but I had half of that (cut into a
triangle) and I held it under my tongue for an hour before swallowing it, sort
of like taking sublingual estradiol valerate. Then, during that hour, I
probably scrolled doom. Wait, let's back up some more. So the reason I went on
my trip is because I was severely, profoundly depressed, and was entertaining
the notion of killing myself via helium tank and oxygen mask. I was at rock
bottom and then some. This was because I felt that I'd mostly fucked up my
friendships by getting in a kind of nasty on my side argument with [...]. And
that was because I realized I had been paying its rent for about nine months to
keep a roof over my own head while it had remained mostly unemployed. One of
the reasons for my hitting rock bottom was that I believed the only people in
this world I sort of care about had been mostly leeching off me for nearly a
year while I had been on the dark side of depression and getting mentally worse
and worse, and those that I cared about either didn't notice or didn't care.
And I don't know now if they care but I'm not particularly concerned because
these remain the only people I can really tolerate. The reason I was thinking
about killing myself was because I was planning to move far away from anyone I
care about, and I couldn't find apartments there and had hardly a faint notion
of how I would live when I got there. I realized I would probably once again be
homeless, living in a dead-end city, working fast food, and I decided killing
myself was a better option than going through that again. And the reason I was
going to move was because the people I cared about wanted me out, because we
had gotten in an argument, and what compounded my depression was that just as
we were getting to the point of financial stability, of three of us having jobs
- the precipice, so damn close to my being able to go part-time and look for a
different job, right as I would be able to mostly work for myself rather than
my wages going to everyone who needed them - I was going to leave, mostly not
of my own volition but because I was wanted gone. So I had worked nine months
for the happiness of people who were discarding me, and I would be able to
share in none of the good times. That's why I dropped acid, and that was rock
bottom for me. I realized that if acid didn't, as the saying went, debug my
brain, I would be cutting power to the computer, because I couldn't continue
living the way I had. About an hour into doomscrolling I was suddenly seized by
a fit of emotionless laughter that surprised me. I assumed it was the placebo
effect - it was too early for the acid to even start kicking in - but was
confused by it. Then after about ten minutes everything started to change. The
light shining into the living room had a fantastic shimmer to it, the trees
swayed together in beautiful synchrony to the wind, my friends had a glow on
the surface of their skin. I tuned the television to Double King, an animation
purportedly even wilder on LSD, but it didn't really catch my attention. Time
lost its linearity entirely and events twisted upon themselves, causality was
damned, happenings overlapped with others. Chronology was nonsense, a ludicrous
concept for the insane. I saw kharma, the energy itself, real as Newtonian
physics. My stuffed shark Mynn had fur, soft fur, cut into triangles, and I
explored the surface of buns coat for hours, a forest of angles cutting into
the sky. This grasshopper crawled up onto the window and one of my roommates
pointed it out to me. I said "oh, wow". They said I was tripping balls. I said
"what?". They said I would never react to a cool bug by saying "oOOoH waaow". I
didn't quite understand. I got hungry and wanted ramen, so [...], who was trip
sitting me, made me ramen, and while fae was cooking I sat in the entryway to
the kitchen distraught. "I fucked everything up... and for what? It's all so
silly. I continue to harbor no resentment towards y'all. I don't wanna go to
Ohio." Fae said "There are ways to fix it, you know". I asked how. Fae said I
could get a job that wasn't killing me. I said I couldn't apply while tripping.
Fae said fae could apply for me. So I gave faer my resume and fae got to work
applying me to some high paying job while I had ramen at the table and laid on
the futon and looked out through the window - these three things
simultaneously. I chose ramen because I had heard spaghetti was notoriously
difficult to eat while tripping, and I did almost get lost traversing Bowl
Noodles on the way to chopstick land, but by breathing and not overthinking
things I finished my ramen and sat back in the kitchen while [...] made the
ramen I was eating. "Y'know, breathing really is the frame of reference. It's
everything. The breath is the focus point." I said and fae agreed. [...]:
"Always has been." Suddenly we were on the moon. Then I was thrust back to
Terra and landed on the couch to stare into space. [...] gave me some headpats
but too few.

I started whispering to myself, in my head. Deus ex machina, deus ex machina.
Fate from the machinations. If only there were a way to headpats. Then the
front door shuddered as [...], my ex from a couple months back, stepped in, two
hours into its scheduled shift at work. It had left as I held the tab under my
tongue, before my trip commenced. It was my preferred trip sitter but
Then I was crying, just after my trip started. I had an enormity, a belly full
of laughter, then I was crying on [...]'s shoulder, my body exhaling its
emotional toxins with every heaving sob. "Are you laughing?" fae asked me. I
between wails managed to mutter "No." "Are you laughing so hard you're crying?"
Again, "No." You're crying? I let go of [...] and stood rapt, my back straight,
my head steady, though my face was contorted into a deeply pained scowl and my
tears hadn't stopped flowing. I exhaled. It all left me. "I'm terribly sorry
for such an emotional outburst." I went to stare out of the window at the
rapidly aging earth, sun blasting out my eye holes using space lasers, trees
dancing so melodically. It seemed to matter to nobody. Nobody cared. I felt
free.
Then [...] held my hands in faers after I had finished my ramen. Fae looked me
in the eyes. "Trinity. Listen to me. I care about you." What? No. "No, I'm
serious. You mean a lot to me." How? I mean nothing to myself.
it had work today and today would have been the day I killed myself. "Just quit
work."
The rain poured down on us. We sat together at the corner, down the hill. I
didn't know how I got there. I watched its hair get wet and laughed gently,
noting its hair was perfect no matter the weather. It smiled and said it was
getting cold, so we should go back. So we started walking back up the hill,
back towards Big Lots", I said. "Big Lots?" it said. "Do you wanna go walk to
Big Lots?" "I want to go walk to Big Lots!" "We should walk to Big Lots!" any
of those three, their realities conjoining. I was probably peaking.
Big Lots. Shelves. Cat food. "Do you want this collar?" a cat collar. It asked.
"Maybe I oughtta put a collar on you." I replied. We went into the Big Lots. I
headed over to the back to look at the random electronics shit. I spotted the
headphones. "I'd like a pair of headphones to listen to Nurture by Porter
Robinson." It had a $20 bill but I didn't wanna spend $10 on headphones. We
moved over to the pet supply section, the munchies, then I went over to the
furniture section to check out the furniture. We tried out the overpriced
chairs and I checked out the drawers. It spoke. "Y'know, I would buy you a
bureau."
At that moment - I looked through the world, through the hill - at the stuff of
mine under my desk at the apartment. Splayed out because I couldn't get the
energy to clean it up. Nothing gross, just cables and clothes. In my mind's eye
I saw my stuff arrange into neat squares into some drawers. I'd like that.
We left Big Lots without buying anything and went over to a corner and felt the
starting rain on our skin. [...] accompanied me and [...] on our walk but I
asked faer to leave so I could ask my ex something, and I asked it then: "Are
you into me?" "Wow, that was quite... forward." "Well are you?" I couldn't get
a good read on it. "I don't know. Are you into me?" I lied: "I don't know."
Then I realized I couldn't leave it at that, not now. "Yes. Yes, I'm terribly
attracted to you. You are drop dead fuckin gorgeous. You're amazing. Badass."
It got flustered. We got back inside and it went off and did something else.
We were walking down the hill before Big Lots. "Y'know, one time my dad said
'that's some big hail' to me, and I thought he said 'snail' and I looked
outside and I said 'where's the snail?'" I put on an episode of Nichijou. I
don't remember which one, or anything about it. The OP was trippy though. [...]
continued its snail story: "I just didn't get that he was saying hail." I found
a YouTube playlist for Nurture. "And I didn't even realize until, like, a year
later." I turned each television speaker to face towards the immediate front of
the TV. How could someone care about me? Does anyone care about me? I was alone
in the living room, absent trip sitter or anyone else. I was really sad and
didn't know why. I got my sleeping bag and laid directly in front of and
perpendicular to the television, my head nearly against the screen. I hit Play.

I see visual snow. Not to the extent of visual snow syndrome, which I think is
qualified by disruption of daily life (mine is benign but always present). I
didn't know this until a roommate and I were talking about closed eye
visualizations and it came up. I thought it was normal; my vision just had this
"film grain", or the digital sensor was noisy, or something. When I close my
eyes there's this fuzziness, this ambiguity of hue caused by my visual snow
placing microscopic instantaneous spots of darkening and lightening on
everything I see, sort of like when you use a bad television antenna. Again, I
never noticed this because it never mattered to me; I could just look a little
longer at something to get enough information to discern the precise color,
sort of like a camera taking multiple pictures to use to denoise an image. I
see this snow when my eyes are closed, and when it's dark as it was in the
living room, they're simple blinking pearls of dark gray upon black.

Except these pearls were color, rainbows. And as I sailed my ship on the seas
of this album's song, they started to move consistently, which they had never
done. My visual snow was dancing to the music. So were the trees that night. I
drifted off into a cloud of Nurture and felt comfortable like I was being
comforted, which was a feeling that wasn't particularly familiar to me.

I lay in a field under the soft cloudy sky joining the earth.

I was eating a tuna sandwich. The album was over. I felt entirely different. I
put my sleeping bag on the futon and fell asleep. I didn't feel good, or
comfortable. I might have felt loved but probably not. I just felt like I
wanted to change, or maybe I wanted a change.

<^>

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