THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <-

| \    |   | blah!
|\ | `\|\  | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic

<^>

2024-04-17

Trip is cancelled. [...] vetoed it for the following reasons:
- LSD conflicts with packages already installed in my system and may result in
  instability.
- I have a history of moderate drug abuse; it is hard for me to cope with
  things without some substance and I spend little of my time sober.

I keep thinking about [...]. It's terrifying how many people would be hurt if I
died. I don't want to end my life in bad kharma.

I disagree with the notion that kharma is retributive; that it seeks to punish
those that deserve it. Kharma is an observation, a description. Kharma is the
realization that intentionally malicious action causes harm both to others and
one's self, an almost Newtonian law for that impossible-to-analyze humanity.

One time when I was 16 or 17 my parents noticed I had a pimple on my arm and
boxed me into the bathroom and popped it. I broke down sobbing at the
realization that, though they had had almost no positive contribution to my
life and I barely even knew them as people, having been raised mostly by my
grandparents and 4chan/b/, I still hadn't earned my bodily autonomy from them,
and truly there was nothing I could do to get away from them without attracting
the police or whoever else they would call to come looking for me until I
turned 18. I was almost like their housecat, more a housecat than a kid. The
conditions of the household deteriorated over the course of my childhood. Their
cat, Gator, stopped eating and apparently went into shock after my parents kept
yelling at him and spritzing him with a water bottle. He was their stand-in
after I went numb to their yelling at me. I sort of envy people whose parents
were nice to them, though I don't spread the bad kharma. When I'm high and
people tell me about how their parents did something loving for them sometimes
I just break the fuck down.

In the (literal) closet with the morning sun starting to trickle in after
another night of sleeplessness when we were 15 or 16 Usagi and I messaged over
Instagram. I don't have the stubs anymore so here's a recollection.
[U]: Have you ever noticed people with adverse experiences are the most likely
     to turn out LGBT+?
[3]: Yeah but I've never really thought about why.
[U]: There's the neocon view that getting your shit fucked up causes your brain
     to be fucked up. But I think it's just because it's harder to lie to
     yourself when you're in a really bad place. You have to be honest with
     yourself or you won't make it out of there.

I came out to them as trans either a little bit before or a little bit after
that.

<^>

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