THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <-

| \    |   | blah!
|\ | `\|\  | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic

<^>

2023-09-04

Regarding something I read.

I feel some guilt for not really having a lot of trans pride.

I grew up on /b/. Post golden era, when /pol/ started festering in its second
coming and pseudoanons started spiking the machine, everything got a lot more
transphobic. I didn't give a shit what the r/greentext exiles bore in prejudice
but I knew their opinions roughly reflected the 20% or so and life would be
easier if I lived without making them piss and shit themselves. But being
dishonest with myself, or being honest with myself but hiding who I was, didn't
work for me. I felt nothing as I breathed nothing and I worked on hidden
projects and scum agendas with the pitch hands of a tear in space, wordlessly
and heartlessly to test the limits to which a person could influence. Rage
against the biomass. I also wasn't able to safely come out in meatspace but to
a few at the time friends who still misgender me after years.

My dream was not to be accepted and trans, but to be ignored and a cis woman.
Or pass as a cis woman.

I too started programming on graphing calculators but I felt invalid, not a
true programmer, so I called it coding, and myself a coder, as evident by the
splashes I put before my TI-BASIC programs. Deven Blake is not my deadname, by
the way - I had my name changed when I was very young. I still don't see myself
as a programmer. Insecurities.

I had other thoughts but I forgot them.

2023年06月27日

When I started learning to program all I had was FreeBASIC and I just. Didn't.
Get it. Nor did I get PetitComputer which I got for my DSi XL. The first time I
made anything was when I was 11, 3 years after I started learning, and made a
simple drawing demo in Processing.JS.

I was not a natural programmer. Lacking any sort of lessons or guidance or a
lot of motivation I floundered, and floundered, and floundered, and tried and
failed a dozen times. Pascal, Fortran, Petit Computer, FreeBASIC, Microsoft
Batch, SmileBASIC, a dozen more. Now I work in C and shell, only because I
learned shell to script tasks and learned C to understand my scripts better.

A lot of people see expert programmers and get discouraged. My advice: Pick a
_good_ tool ~~(C or shell)~~ and stay until you know it. Python!

OK I'm done shitting

need more fiber

I'm elsewhere, AFK - I wanna add this to the blah though.

Undated; maybe from a year ago? Written on a paper bag in black sharpie

soy sauce -> dill
          -> teriyaki
          -> avocado
          -> salt
                  no too
                  Na
coffee
avocado -> ? brown ?
chai honey
blueberry lemon
green tea maple
pineapple -> oat  soggy?
          -> grape
key of C cheese
                cream cheese
                sat atop a
                speaker playing
                435Hz until
                the Cc is
                extra soft
"dream cheese"
               -> orange zest
mainly         -> chamomile
               -> green tea
                  lemon
                  honey
"mean cheese"
               -> jalapeno
                  chili powder
                  cinnamon?
                  orange zest?
                  ~~paprika?~~
                  ~~turmeric?~~
pumpkin?
cinnamon?
kale?
salt?
pepper?
mint -> lavendar
     -> coconut
     -> garlic?
garlic rosemary
licorice + lavendar?
malta cream cheese
                   -> how?
                 [ -> why? ]
dandelion?
dandelion maple?
wasabi?
birthday cake?
bubblegum?
matcha!
cinnamon ginger
cola?
moxie!!!
mountain dew?
doritos?
fritos?
"team cheese"    blueberry
for olympics     strawberry
season (2024?)

2023年07月03日

07-05 wisdom
teeth recheck
8AM be there @ 7

commie gets fucked by capitalist,
well he was so hot
can't afford the rent
and he drives mercedes benz
and we did it in the parking lot
all of the fucking jacked in bullshit
went to law school on daddy's nest egg
and I'm stealing toilet paper out of the store
I had a good thing and I fucked it up
everyone I know has gone
came down into the mosh pit so I can push you away
just hit your head get out and run
I had a good thing and fucked everything up
all my friends moved on
I'm still here sleeping on the floor
yeah didn't we have so much fun

2023年07月04日

July 4 - when the
USA declared independ[...]
from Monarchist cunts.
I'm hiding in a parking
lot far from the hordes
that have invaded the
~~areas of~~ usual areas
of congregation. Loungi[...]
against my backpack
among Razor scooter
and Sony camera
watching the st[...]
sky
Amateur pyrotechnicians,
like teenagers on prom
night, put all their
effort into the first
five minutes of their
shows that blaze
occasionally during
twilight. The pre-show
to the fireworks
demonstration - paid
for by your tax dollars
- performed by the
city. I'm considering
breaking into an old
mill to see sky from
roof.
But that's so much
effort and the crisp
air hasn't yet cooled
me after my frantic
dash on two cheap
wheels from unnerving,
unthinking, unpredictable
crowds. A pack of
wild children crosses
my turf before deciding
to continue up Canal St.
My face itches. The
sweat and my
moisturizer are
considering waging
war on my dry skin.

2023年07月12日

[...] appt 18日1000

2023年07月13日

methamphetamine
took all his molars
and then crack cocaine
only left his front teeth
Paul always yearns
for steak medium rare
but the man only has
cans of soup to eat
consumption begets
more of the same
when it doesn't,
it's illegal
give me your money,
shoes, or brain
you're not allowed
to call me evil
I am the capital

meth took my molars
crack took my canines
lying on a park bench
what took my mind

i can't sleep in a bed
won't sleep in a bed
i can't sleep in a bed
what took my mind

the gray matter bubbled
bends made me all fried
I keep tossing & turning
what took my mind

how do you fix that?'
death
but I love life and I love
sex
my friends all died and I'm
left
but it's not now my turn to
end

I just want a steak
but crack took my canines
my destructive consumption
what the hell took my mind

methamphetamine
took my molars
crack cocaine
took my canines
then life decided to
dissolve my gray matter
please, Gaia
who took my mind?

destructive consumption
oh how badly I crave steak
all I've got's my two front teeth
can't eat even if I have my cake
my nerves shoot my eyes
head won't stop. someone end my pain
please, Gaia
who did this to my brain

2018-08-30

Disp "SCHEDULE","CODED BY","DEVEN BLAKE 2018
Pause
ClrHome

//Menu
Lbl M
0→Z
Menu("LHS SCHEDULE","VIEW SCHEDULE",A,"EDIT SCHEDULE",B,"QUIT",C
Stop

//View
Lbl A
ClrHome
For(A,1,8
 "!D:→Str1
 A
 Asm(prgmLBLRW
 Output(A,1,Ans
 End
0
While Ans≠21
 getKey
 If Ans≠0
  Output(8,1,"2ND TO QUIT
Goto M

//Edit
Lbl B
ClrHome
Output(1,1,"1-8 TO EDIT
Output(2,1,"OTHERS TO QUIT
0→A
0
While Ans=0
 getKey
 If Ans=72
  7→A
 If Ans=73
  8→A
 If Ans=82
  4→A
 If Ans=83
  5→A
 If Ans=84
  6→A
 If Ans=92
  1→A
 If Ans=93
  2→A
 If Ans=94
  3→A
 End
If A=0
 Goto M
ClrHome
Disp "ENTER NEW DATA
Input "",Str1
"D:"+Str1→Str1
A
Asm(prgmLBLRW
ClrHome
Disp "DATA CHANGED!
While Ans≠21
 getKey
 End
Goto M

//Quit
Lbl C
ClrHome
Stop

//Data
Lbl D
PERIOD ONE
PERIOD TWO
PERIOD THREE
PERIOD FOUR
PERIOD FIVE
PERIOD SIX
PERIOD SEVEN
PERIOD EIGHT

<^>

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