THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <-

| \    |   | blah!
|\ | `\|\  | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic

<^>

2023-06-25

Journal #3, in its entirety
(even noted dates are iffy)
(what remains of it)
---------------------------

2023年03月26日?

This Sharpie is going. Good
thing I keep 4 on me.

No notebooks like this in
yellow, had to switch to
green.

~~I wish~~

2023年03月27日

I sorta wanna [...]
[...]. [...]
[...].

ALICE
bivy . blanket? . jacket?
hygeine [sic] . prescriptions
clothes ->
2xTsh Pants? socks! bras?
undies liner hats? poncho
TOWEL walmart?

This paper bleeds hard.

~35pgs into Deam Cognavi

holy shit this paper bleeds

2023年04月06日

I'd write a song about
  being in love
but honestly, I've never
  had that.
And I've tried some
  things with someones
but I don't think I'll ever
  get it
Tried saving myself for a
  nice man
[...]
  [...]
And all my friends are
  shacking up
And I can't make the
  connections
and there's probably something
  wrong up here
because nothing ever sticks
Even when I've actually
  been held dear
I myself just feel sick
There's something wrong
  in my head
I don't think it's anyone
  else
But I don't think it'll
  ever end
There will never be anyone
  else
And I'm so tired    out
and        broken   down
someone    take me  out
make me    good somehow
oh no

maybe they think I'm
  unobtainable
drummer in a band gave
  me his card
would it be weird if I
  placed a call
they'll just laugh and say
  I went too far

2023年04月27日

[...] has Deam Cognavit
so I can't work on it...

Coworker as of 26日

Hungry a little

May   be   vegan
but   I'm  always
down  to   fry a  pig
Fuck  12   da doy but
for   real this time
slash their neck
and   drink
their blood

I     ma     gine
blood stream ing
down  my     hand
and   to     your
mouth.
You   drink  and
lick  your   lips
and   ask    me
for   some   more.
How
can   I      give
you   all    I
have  when   I
won't have   blood
left?
For   my     self
to    bleed  and
cry   and    see
in    my     eyes
when!
you're!
gone!

2023年04月28日

I love writing in my diary
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Put all my dirty secrets into
Sharpie ink
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Science fiction smartphones
capacitive touch screens
no
I can't use em with gloves on
Luddite shirking network
million dollar ignoree
I just work with my gloves on
Working day and night and
bitch I'm never having fun
masturbating with gloves on
When I'm not out there
working still I'm never at
peace
sleep with my gloves on
my heart taps faster
pacing rating rest as wasted
time, fine,
I'll smoke with my gloves on
every time I take them
off my cuticles bleed
razor blades in my gloves
cut
holes in my veins and eyes
I'll never be free
bury me with my gloves on

~~I hope you get fucked~~
  ~~with an angle grinder~~
~~in the ass so blood~~
I will fuck you
bitch
with an angle grinder
lick off the crimson
bitch
I fucking hate ya
stop hitting on me at
  the panic concert
step on my landline I
  obliterate ya
YEAH [breakdown]
FUCK YOU [breakdown]
MOTHERFUCKER [breakdown]
AND YOUR FUCKING BITCH
ASS FRIENDS! TOO!

2023年05月22日

Ada landed on top of a
stone structure overlooking
a luscious green valley.
She let Jason's body fall
beside her and sat down
to catch her breath. A young
boy dressed in loincloth
approached her.
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
///
The friendship I have
with [...] is all I really
wanted from life. Where
do I go from here? Self
improvement and learning
to be a good friend &
human being.

 __.__,__.__|__.__,__.__
|          | |
|          | |
|          | |
|      HH :M M: SS
|         /P M
|
|
|

TRIN            [...]
ALICE           MOLLE
POWER+SOLAR
RADIO+P            +P
PASSPORT     PASSPORT
3DS+P           3DS+P
CLOTHES       CLOTHES
CHAMOIS       CHAMOIS
BANDANNA     BANDANNA
PHONE+P            +P
FIRST AID
MEDICATION MEDICATION

you're so soft and I'm
  so hard
I drive too fast when I
  drive your car

What I have

Pine64 Phone	3DS
1xUSBC WiFi 4G	USBpwr WiFi
ROMs 4 3DS
no GUI

Phone
# mpv Nine\ Inch\ Nails&
# for f in *.chd *.gbc
do curl -T "$f" ftp://\
[...]:5000/\
media/ && rm "$f"
done
# sleep 10 &&\
lsblk &&\
mount /dev/sdb1 mnt &&\
cp mnt/*.nds ./ &&\
umount mnt

SWAP KB for SD and
WAIT for a 4GB xfer...

ULTIMATE GOAL:
Reinstall Pinephone OS
without data loss

| Fuck this goddamn
| ad-riddled piece of
| shit Best Buy tablet.

Take me out to smash
  iPads

[...]

(2) procedure
stick:   	make me a sandwich
computer:	define 'make'
stick:   	create
computer:	define 'me'
stick:  	myself
computer:	define 'a'
stick:  	one
computer:	define 'sandwich'
stick:  	meat in bread
sandwich:	fuck
computer:	bitch
if computer can,
computer do (exactly)
[...]
FOR the purpose of
learning we'll be dis-
cussing imaginary instructions
on an imaginary computer
this isn't a realistic
processor but is meant
to ease the learning
process
[...]
computers speak
in electricity
[...]
a register is a
processor's thoughts
[...]
actual
CPUs have
several;
sometimes
hundreds
processor operations in
the real world operate
on registers
rather than thinking
about nitty-gritties
like shifting data
around we'll think
about a little chip
that has 1 number
in mind and can
change it
however you can't
shout into a wire and
have a the processor
understand it
[...]
so processor instructions
are encoded into numbers
[what?]
every byte we give
it will be a complete
instruction
in the real world this
is more complicated

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

in the dark.I bend an
ear to listen to a mentor
I had
      for so long feared
MORE MORE MORE
  MORE
       oats
almonds   churning,into
cream, killing me and my
business that I've had for
years

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

"never let them spread
their soykaf lies! I DESPISE
those sweaty young'uns'
cares 'bout animal tears"

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

my liege, what do you
mean - my
bovine are dying! is
the future not made of beans?

MORE MORE MORE
  MORE

"you fool, have I not taught
you? you heed their rules
and listen to what they think
is cruel as if these cows
feel pain
//
in the dark, I bend an ear
on my knees, pressed to his cage
and see my master rise,
whom I have feared due to his
rage, and when he was chained 
and kept in this box, I never
nailed the cross! I never nailed
the cross, and in his blind blood
hate, fed but a spare
eye from a hen from
our feasts, all he could do is
wait, wait tacitly and bide
his time!
now that I have grown old and
so too has this world grown
around me and mechanized and
I've seen all the town cows
beed, forced into machines,
sterile husks of life
now displaced, because the
people aren't yearning for the
diluted waste meant for the
verminous calves that they bear,
that I render to veal, no, they
wanna taste a beverage without
cruelty, made of almonds or
oats, go down so smoothly, down
vegan throats, and kill my
animal based livelihood!
//
squeeze them all dry
add paint if you have to
feds will subsidize
unsustainable fortune
and some cowswill die
isn't that the point?
riddled with disease
sold at a burger joint
price out all the rest
make waste if you have to
flood the milk market
listen to the pained moo

and when the milk spoils
dump it into the sea
oceanic dairy stew
can you hear the pained
               MOO?----
-----------------------
'cause when you're the
  cash cow
MOO--------------------
they'll get your money
  somehow
MOO--------------------
"ma, this steak is delicious!"
MOO--------------------
"it was on sale!"

the sands of time
bury all the decade's
  memories
I miss the good
  water pressure
and when the air was
  clean

6/8
the sands of	time that wash
the lime from	dirty hulls
of ships that	cross the sea
to see my	curs-ed past
Romanian	dirty plots
of ash but	in my youth

the
sands of time	that wash the
lime from dirty	hulls of
ships|that cross the sea to see
my| rotten past Romanian dirty
plots of ash but in my youth
we picked the grass for elden coin
and when we found a golden crown
we got to ask about the ground
on which we lived and hear a tale
of ancient brass who fought the dark
impaler	crew who sought
to make the	world anew

bummed a joint off
  a bartender
not much better than
  a beer
but
  he's to whom I
  write love letters
anonymously but it
  still helps with
  the pain
of going home, sleeping,
  and coming back
  to work again!
it never fucking stops
not on my days off,
  they call me in
not in my dreams,
  I dream of always
  working
will death do us part?
part ways with
  purgatory
this nightmare bland
  air putrid stagnant
  episode-filler
  story

you better tell our
  kids you love them,
dear
'cuz you know I sure
|->as hell won't
you can try to dial
  my hotel room
but my date won't pick
  up the phone

my life
is different now
won't bake. you. pie
I've left the house
treat me right
you don't know how
so I jammed a knife
into the couch
seams ripped
stuffing's out
and she stained the
  bed
the sun is down
you better find a spot
on the floor
'cuz there's nowhere
  else for you to sleep
  now
and I cry, so hard
into a burlier man
met him at the bar
knew how to move
  his hands
I think you slowly
  faded
leaned on my branch
  until I snapped
I think I was real
  patient
but I feel used
and I'm not gonna
fuck around
except literally
beat me down
did you hear me
  grinding my teeth?

existential exhaustion
[picture of astral projection]
[picture of body-death]
[picture of]
the world is black and
  white
or I might be post joy
this comedown is a bitch
or I'm just paranoid
the end of the movie
  and credits are
  rolling but I'm so
  damn cozy in
  this chair I unfolded
  and yours is in its
  bag and your foot
  taps the dirt but I
  paid for the drive in
  I'll get my money's
  worth
you thought I'd have
  quit you and I thought
  I could but next time
  I was with you I
  thought you looked so good
  in my grandma's
  sweater after you put
  up the hood but
  you've got impatient
  hoping I won't wanna
  stay we're going to
  all the movies in case
  I leave the states
  she doesn't know
  that I know that
  the motive is desperate
  but she doesn't know
  that in fact I so value this friendship
  so I'll play this
  chicken and collide at
  a closeness I don't
  wanna kiss you I'm just
  worried it's hopeless
  to try to preserve my
  only human connection

the end of the movie
and credits are rolling
but I'm so damn cozy
in this chair I unfolded
you step onto the earth
jumping out of the car
but I'd like my money's
  worth
because you drove so damn
  far
you thought I'd get bored
before the second act

it's so nice spending
  time with you
I wish it could be forever
but I'm chronically abrasive
and you're too soft for
  sandpaper

and you think I wanna
  leave
but I wish you would
  first
god, don't get attached
  to me
because the ending will
  hurt

it's the end of the movie
and the credits are
  scrolling
but I'm still so cozy
in this chair I unfolded
your boots strike the earth
as you jump out the car
but I'd like my
  money's worth
'cuz you drove so damn
  far
they always get bored
  here
around the second act
not me, I've been
  enjoying
the atmosphere and popcorn
  bag
will we survive our
respective selves' self
  sabotage?
I feel a little tired
I promise it's not your
  fault

and it's so nice
to get to spend time
  with you
I wish it could be
  forever
but everyone's always
  gotta move

post joy, it's black and white
over, credits scrolling, now
  enter the rest of the
  night
maybe I'm on a comedown,
  I think, jumping from
  the car
my boots touch the
  earth, I paid the gas
  but you drove far
you're not from around
  here. I'll tie my
  lace by your phone
  light

grind my bones until
  I break
at which point I'll
  grab another roll
  of duct tape
and if I die to yester-
  day
good riddance; farewell,
  aufviedersein [sic]

the only good cop is
  a dead cop
on pigs' graves flowers
  bloom
and a white wife cries
at the murder site
the blood spilled
  wasn't blue
and when he spit
  on the homeless
was that the service
  we were due?
because insecurities
  manifest
when you give
  them power;
  1 3 1 2

astroturf the burial plot
politicized unrest
marxists killed all
  the good cops
that's why there aren't
  any left
and marijuana's still
  a crime
in places, if you're
  trans so is your life
so many people in
  the shadows
if you wanna be
  equal you'll have to
  fight

Jacob's recently-
killed corpse lay on
the temple
among Ada's equipment,
unattended. Its sillhouette [sic]
called to a child of the
village who scampered
to the tower and started
rummaging through
Ada's bag's contents in
company of the body.
  They selected a
device resembling a
helmet and put it
on Jacob's head, toggling
switches on the
visor at random. It
glowed blue and Jacob
started convulsing.
[drawing of lava lamp]
[drawing of broken lava lamp]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
I need to take my
meds

[undated; 2023年06月01日 - the day I got my wisdom teeth out]

im hiiiiiiiigh :3

[...] PHARMACY
[...]
[...]

I AM SAYING
I LOVE U A LOT
SORRY IF IT
MAKES U
UNCOMFORTABLE

I CARE ABOUT
UR WELL BEING
& WANT 2 GIVE
U THE SPACE
+ SECURITY U NEED
TO BE WELL. IF
I'M WACK LET
ME KNOW. U R
SO COOL

IM BLEEDING A
LOT...
[...]

HELLO I'M [...]
[...] (DOB:
[...]) HERE
2 PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION
:) GOT MY
WISDOM
TEETH
OUT!
THANK U
SO MUCH!
U ROCK

TRINITY

YOU RULE

TYLENOL
  (ACETAMINOPHEN)
  - TREATS
    INFLAMMATION
  + HELPS
    PAIN
KETROLAC
^ SUPER STRONG
| IBUPROFEN
|
NSAID

2023年06月04日

59 hours since I got my
wisdom teeth out. Jesus
fuck. This hurts pretty bad.
Like it's been 1 hour or
so since getting kicked in
the jaw by a lumberman.
Or 2 hours since having my
headforcefully removed from
the intended destination of
a large automobile. Got.
It hurts to hell. I'm too
stubborn to take my
medication because I risk
liver damage according to
German authorities whom I
trust more than weak
spined americans.

I don't feel well mentally
either. My friend M-- is
out for the evening so
there will be no solace or
sympathy, no other bearer
of my pain. When pain is,
shared, I feel, it's diminished,
dissolved in a sea of hugs and
well wishes like salt into
water I have to swish in
my mouth thrice or so a day,
maybe more- it's said to
promote healing, so compared
to whatever frequency is
suggested surely I do more.

Ice helps but the shitty
ice packs given to me by
the oral surgeon don't freeze
in my shitty minifridge. I've
been offered
marijuana and alcohol by my
other roommates but I
partake in marijuana no longer
since March and have never
been much a fan of the fire water.
So much fire in my mouth
already. The flames lick
my eyes, my lips, consume
me in misery. They already
hurt before their removal,
now that I try to free myself
from the pain, they exact their
revenge.

I won't call M-- - she's having
fun and hasn't had any the
past three days looking out for
me. I'm so thankful for her
aid and friendship. She, singularly,
is my solace. I am so afraid
to lose her. I have ruined
every friendship with my
horrible medley of softness or
abrasion, always choosing the
worst tool, smothering or
slicing. M-- has me eating well,
acting well, socializing well,
and I think I can be a good
friend through everything.
As long as I am true to
myself and M--, I will be.

2023年06月06日

Ready or not, work,
here I come!

void   in  my  mouth
see    to  my  bone
see    how I   hurt
void   now I'm out
please let me  out
please fix my  jaw
god    fix me  please
grant  me  release
grant  me  release

[drawing of dry socket]
[drawing of dissociation]

you can't put this
  fox in a box
I won't suck on
  your cock
out of every single
  cage
I will run run run
  run run run run
I can't recognize
  faces
except when I'm
  wrong
I don't feel human
or like I belong
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere

the pain never ends
no matter how loud I
  scream
the black cavern inside
  me
stub foot made of gangrene
I'm rotting, I'm rotten
I wish I was dead again
you say how little I'm
  worth
you took me out of this
  earth
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this

can you kill me
cuz I want you to
the dead have risen
I want back in my tomb

I awoke in the mud
to a cackling howl
skin decomposed, clotted
  blood
in this pit under the moon
your spade made a \[thud\]
you held my skull in your arms
my blackened eyes shone
will you be my Frankensteined
  groom

I never felt human
or like I belonged
could only recognize faces
when I was wrong
my heartbeat tortured me
ticket allthe time I was
  suffering
when I poisoned myself
there was no one to comfort me
now you put this fox in a new
  box
so I can suck on your cock
and feed me dog food
tell me when to bark
how can I complain?
this environment is quite
  hospitable

I: Sand

Our tongues lay dry as
  we woke up
No water, and the house
  had no tap
I walked to the town
  square

[...] 06-18 free

  tom 1700 [...]

I spend all day at work
walking on the dead that
  I've dropped
and all night in the forest
among the life that springs
  up.
Hamburger's cooked hundred
  fifty or so
the forest is sixty. Less
  and I'm cold.
the day I'd like to make
  it to next
is living for a living, so
  I can live 'fore I'm old

SPENDING 2023-06-15

$386
$200 savings
$80 bill
$40 batteries
$10 VPN

[undated; likely 2023-06-17]

SNAKE OIL

None
"hello"
        "5"
        / \
       / 5 \
      /  ^  \
     /   |   \
    /    |    \
  |/_   / \   _\|
eval("5") int("5")

"import os; os.system('destroy everything')"

[undated; likely 2023-06-18]

Spending the day with [...].
We were at [...] & [...]'s dorm
'till 1300 - it was quite
pleasant! Image macros printed
in gray adorned the bathroom
walls and soft toilet paper
greeted me when I used
their restroom, the focal
point of any living area.
The rest of the dorm was
also beautiful, I was just
really impressed at the
quality of the college
bathroom. Tomorrow's
Juneteenth, the anniversary
of the abolition of slavery
in the United States of America.

The last year was a little
wild but lead to now, the
first time in my life
where I really feel
happily content. I'm living
with [...] and my co-workers
[...] and [...] in a slum
in a less kind area
of a notoriously unkind
city in the alien state
of [...]. Where there is
no kindness, however, there
is honesty - truth in how
people live and labor.
The darkness occurs in
daylight and the grit in
air. Less secrecy, less

[the top of the page was torn]
[...] at the [tear]
named [...]
where I have ordered
pizza. I expected a
pizzeria experience and
now find myself in a
gourmet restuarant with
my backpack that, when
held closely, faintly
smells of cat piss and
my jacket that, when
held closely, overtly
reeks of musky sunny
day sweat.

[...] is probably gonna join
me after her cigarette and
coffee at the gas station
down the street, then
have some pizza if she so
chooses, and then we'll
walk around this downtown
and potentially visit the
art museum. A peaceful
weekend. I look forward
to all of this and a
scenic bus home and
walk to the apartment
and my soft, overpriced
sleeping bag and my
Ikea-brand plush
shark.

But right now on my
mind pacing is my pizza.
I am ravenously hungry,
made ravenous by the
[this is when the pizza arrived]

[...]
[...]
Skateboard
$10

Winslow Homer
Evening

[undated; likely 2023-06-19]

my snot is neon but I kinda
  like it
looks like alien jism
saw a doctor but he didn't
  know what
to do about my condition
maybe I should just
blow it out
snot's yellow just like
  cheese from a cow
(moo)
my neighbor's purple, I kinda
  like him
looks like Barney the dino
he killed a squirrel
and then ate it

[undated; likely 2023-06-22]

[[...]'s handwriting:]
[...]'S
BIRTHDAY
@ 24:30
GET MUFFIN
+ CANDELS
@ CUMBIES
$     ? [/:]
TRIN
(it's on me) :)
candles idk
muffin [check]
want me to
go _right_
_now_?

<^>

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