THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <-
| \ | | blah!
|\ | `\|\ | the rantings and ravings
|/ |(_|| | * of a depraved lunatic
<^>
2023-06-25
Journal #3, in its entirety
(even noted dates are iffy)
(what remains of it)
---------------------------
2023年03月26日?
This Sharpie is going. Good
thing I keep 4 on me.
No notebooks like this in
yellow, had to switch to
green.
~~I wish~~
2023年03月27日
I sorta wanna [...]
[...]. [...]
[...].
ALICE
bivy . blanket? . jacket?
hygeine [sic] . prescriptions
clothes ->
2xTsh Pants? socks! bras?
undies liner hats? poncho
TOWEL walmart?
This paper bleeds hard.
~35pgs into Deam Cognavi
holy shit this paper bleeds
2023年04月06日
I'd write a song about
being in love
but honestly, I've never
had that.
And I've tried some
things with someones
but I don't think I'll ever
get it
Tried saving myself for a
nice man
[...]
[...]
And all my friends are
shacking up
And I can't make the
connections
and there's probably something
wrong up here
because nothing ever sticks
Even when I've actually
been held dear
I myself just feel sick
There's something wrong
in my head
I don't think it's anyone
else
But I don't think it'll
ever end
There will never be anyone
else
And I'm so tired out
and broken down
someone take me out
make me good somehow
oh no
maybe they think I'm
unobtainable
drummer in a band gave
me his card
would it be weird if I
placed a call
they'll just laugh and say
I went too far
2023年04月27日
[...] has Deam Cognavit
so I can't work on it...
Coworker as of 26日
Hungry a little
May be vegan
but I'm always
down to fry a pig
Fuck 12 da doy but
for real this time
slash their neck
and drink
their blood
I ma gine
blood stream ing
down my hand
and to your
mouth.
You drink and
lick your lips
and ask me
for some more.
How
can I give
you all I
have when I
won't have blood
left?
For my self
to bleed and
cry and see
in my eyes
when!
you're!
gone!
2023年04月28日
I love writing in my diary
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Put all my dirty secrets into
Sharpie ink
cuz
I can do it with gloves on
Science fiction smartphones
capacitive touch screens
no
I can't use em with gloves on
Luddite shirking network
million dollar ignoree
I just work with my gloves on
Working day and night and
bitch I'm never having fun
masturbating with gloves on
When I'm not out there
working still I'm never at
peace
sleep with my gloves on
my heart taps faster
pacing rating rest as wasted
time, fine,
I'll smoke with my gloves on
every time I take them
off my cuticles bleed
razor blades in my gloves
cut
holes in my veins and eyes
I'll never be free
bury me with my gloves on
~~I hope you get fucked~~
~~with an angle grinder~~
~~in the ass so blood~~
I will fuck you
bitch
with an angle grinder
lick off the crimson
bitch
I fucking hate ya
stop hitting on me at
the panic concert
step on my landline I
obliterate ya
YEAH [breakdown]
FUCK YOU [breakdown]
MOTHERFUCKER [breakdown]
AND YOUR FUCKING BITCH
ASS FRIENDS! TOO!
2023年05月22日
Ada landed on top of a
stone structure overlooking
a luscious green valley.
She let Jason's body fall
beside her and sat down
to catch her breath. A young
boy dressed in loincloth
approached her.
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
///
The friendship I have
with [...] is all I really
wanted from life. Where
do I go from here? Self
improvement and learning
to be a good friend &
human being.
__.__,__.__|__.__,__.__
| | |
| | |
| | |
| HH :M M: SS
| /P M
|
|
|
TRIN [...]
ALICE MOLLE
POWER+SOLAR
RADIO+P +P
PASSPORT PASSPORT
3DS+P 3DS+P
CLOTHES CLOTHES
CHAMOIS CHAMOIS
BANDANNA BANDANNA
PHONE+P +P
FIRST AID
MEDICATION MEDICATION
you're so soft and I'm
so hard
I drive too fast when I
drive your car
What I have
Pine64 Phone 3DS
1xUSBC WiFi 4G USBpwr WiFi
ROMs 4 3DS
no GUI
Phone
# mpv Nine\ Inch\ Nails&
# for f in *.chd *.gbc
do curl -T "$f" ftp://\
[...]:5000/\
media/ && rm "$f"
done
# sleep 10 &&\
lsblk &&\
mount /dev/sdb1 mnt &&\
cp mnt/*.nds ./ &&\
umount mnt
SWAP KB for SD and
WAIT for a 4GB xfer...
ULTIMATE GOAL:
Reinstall Pinephone OS
without data loss
| Fuck this goddamn
| ad-riddled piece of
| shit Best Buy tablet.
Take me out to smash
iPads
[...]
(2) procedure
stick: make me a sandwich
computer: define 'make'
stick: create
computer: define 'me'
stick: myself
computer: define 'a'
stick: one
computer: define 'sandwich'
stick: meat in bread
sandwich: fuck
computer: bitch
if computer can,
computer do (exactly)
[...]
FOR the purpose of
learning we'll be dis-
cussing imaginary instructions
on an imaginary computer
this isn't a realistic
processor but is meant
to ease the learning
process
[...]
computers speak
in electricity
[...]
a register is a
processor's thoughts
[...]
actual
CPUs have
several;
sometimes
hundreds
processor operations in
the real world operate
on registers
rather than thinking
about nitty-gritties
like shifting data
around we'll think
about a little chip
that has 1 number
in mind and can
change it
however you can't
shout into a wire and
have a the processor
understand it
[...]
so processor instructions
are encoded into numbers
[what?]
every byte we give
it will be a complete
instruction
in the real world this
is more complicated
MORE MORE MORE
MORE
in the dark.I bend an
ear to listen to a mentor
I had
for so long feared
MORE MORE MORE
MORE
oats
almonds churning,into
cream, killing me and my
business that I've had for
years
MORE MORE MORE
MORE
"never let them spread
their soykaf lies! I DESPISE
those sweaty young'uns'
cares 'bout animal tears"
MORE MORE MORE
MORE
my liege, what do you
mean - my
bovine are dying! is
the future not made of beans?
MORE MORE MORE
MORE
"you fool, have I not taught
you? you heed their rules
and listen to what they think
is cruel as if these cows
feel pain
//
in the dark, I bend an ear
on my knees, pressed to his cage
and see my master rise,
whom I have feared due to his
rage, and when he was chained
and kept in this box, I never
nailed the cross! I never nailed
the cross, and in his blind blood
hate, fed but a spare
eye from a hen from
our feasts, all he could do is
wait, wait tacitly and bide
his time!
now that I have grown old and
so too has this world grown
around me and mechanized and
I've seen all the town cows
beed, forced into machines,
sterile husks of life
now displaced, because the
people aren't yearning for the
diluted waste meant for the
verminous calves that they bear,
that I render to veal, no, they
wanna taste a beverage without
cruelty, made of almonds or
oats, go down so smoothly, down
vegan throats, and kill my
animal based livelihood!
//
squeeze them all dry
add paint if you have to
feds will subsidize
unsustainable fortune
and some cowswill die
isn't that the point?
riddled with disease
sold at a burger joint
price out all the rest
make waste if you have to
flood the milk market
listen to the pained moo
and when the milk spoils
dump it into the sea
oceanic dairy stew
can you hear the pained
MOO?----
-----------------------
'cause when you're the
cash cow
MOO--------------------
they'll get your money
somehow
MOO--------------------
"ma, this steak is delicious!"
MOO--------------------
"it was on sale!"
the sands of time
bury all the decade's
memories
I miss the good
water pressure
and when the air was
clean
6/8
the sands of time that wash
the lime from dirty hulls
of ships that cross the sea
to see my curs-ed past
Romanian dirty plots
of ash but in my youth
the
sands of time that wash the
lime from dirty hulls of
ships|that cross the sea to see
my| rotten past Romanian dirty
plots of ash but in my youth
we picked the grass for elden coin
and when we found a golden crown
we got to ask about the ground
on which we lived and hear a tale
of ancient brass who fought the dark
impaler crew who sought
to make the world anew
bummed a joint off
a bartender
not much better than
a beer
but
he's to whom I
write love letters
anonymously but it
still helps with
the pain
of going home, sleeping,
and coming back
to work again!
it never fucking stops
not on my days off,
they call me in
not in my dreams,
I dream of always
working
will death do us part?
part ways with
purgatory
this nightmare bland
air putrid stagnant
episode-filler
story
you better tell our
kids you love them,
dear
'cuz you know I sure
|->as hell won't
you can try to dial
my hotel room
but my date won't pick
up the phone
my life
is different now
won't bake. you. pie
I've left the house
treat me right
you don't know how
so I jammed a knife
into the couch
seams ripped
stuffing's out
and she stained the
bed
the sun is down
you better find a spot
on the floor
'cuz there's nowhere
else for you to sleep
now
and I cry, so hard
into a burlier man
met him at the bar
knew how to move
his hands
I think you slowly
faded
leaned on my branch
until I snapped
I think I was real
patient
but I feel used
and I'm not gonna
fuck around
except literally
beat me down
did you hear me
grinding my teeth?
existential exhaustion
[picture of astral projection]
[picture of body-death]
[picture of]
the world is black and
white
or I might be post joy
this comedown is a bitch
or I'm just paranoid
the end of the movie
and credits are
rolling but I'm so
damn cozy in
this chair I unfolded
and yours is in its
bag and your foot
taps the dirt but I
paid for the drive in
I'll get my money's
worth
you thought I'd have
quit you and I thought
I could but next time
I was with you I
thought you looked so good
in my grandma's
sweater after you put
up the hood but
you've got impatient
hoping I won't wanna
stay we're going to
all the movies in case
I leave the states
she doesn't know
that I know that
the motive is desperate
but she doesn't know
that in fact I so value this friendship
so I'll play this
chicken and collide at
a closeness I don't
wanna kiss you I'm just
worried it's hopeless
to try to preserve my
only human connection
the end of the movie
and credits are rolling
but I'm so damn cozy
in this chair I unfolded
you step onto the earth
jumping out of the car
but I'd like my money's
worth
because you drove so damn
far
you thought I'd get bored
before the second act
it's so nice spending
time with you
I wish it could be forever
but I'm chronically abrasive
and you're too soft for
sandpaper
and you think I wanna
leave
but I wish you would
first
god, don't get attached
to me
because the ending will
hurt
it's the end of the movie
and the credits are
scrolling
but I'm still so cozy
in this chair I unfolded
your boots strike the earth
as you jump out the car
but I'd like my
money's worth
'cuz you drove so damn
far
they always get bored
here
around the second act
not me, I've been
enjoying
the atmosphere and popcorn
bag
will we survive our
respective selves' self
sabotage?
I feel a little tired
I promise it's not your
fault
and it's so nice
to get to spend time
with you
I wish it could be
forever
but everyone's always
gotta move
post joy, it's black and white
over, credits scrolling, now
enter the rest of the
night
maybe I'm on a comedown,
I think, jumping from
the car
my boots touch the
earth, I paid the gas
but you drove far
you're not from around
here. I'll tie my
lace by your phone
light
grind my bones until
I break
at which point I'll
grab another roll
of duct tape
and if I die to yester-
day
good riddance; farewell,
aufviedersein [sic]
the only good cop is
a dead cop
on pigs' graves flowers
bloom
and a white wife cries
at the murder site
the blood spilled
wasn't blue
and when he spit
on the homeless
was that the service
we were due?
because insecurities
manifest
when you give
them power;
1 3 1 2
astroturf the burial plot
politicized unrest
marxists killed all
the good cops
that's why there aren't
any left
and marijuana's still
a crime
in places, if you're
trans so is your life
so many people in
the shadows
if you wanna be
equal you'll have to
fight
Jacob's recently-
killed corpse lay on
the temple
among Ada's equipment,
unattended. Its sillhouette [sic]
called to a child of the
village who scampered
to the tower and started
rummaging through
Ada's bag's contents in
company of the body.
They selected a
device resembling a
helmet and put it
on Jacob's head, toggling
switches on the
visor at random. It
glowed blue and Jacob
started convulsing.
[drawing of lava lamp]
[drawing of broken lava lamp]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
[drawing of eye]
I need to take my
meds
[undated; 2023年06月01日 - the day I got my wisdom teeth out]
im hiiiiiiiigh :3
[...] PHARMACY
[...]
[...]
I AM SAYING
I LOVE U A LOT
SORRY IF IT
MAKES U
UNCOMFORTABLE
I CARE ABOUT
UR WELL BEING
& WANT 2 GIVE
U THE SPACE
+ SECURITY U NEED
TO BE WELL. IF
I'M WACK LET
ME KNOW. U R
SO COOL
IM BLEEDING A
LOT...
[...]
HELLO I'M [...]
[...] (DOB:
[...]) HERE
2 PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION
:) GOT MY
WISDOM
TEETH
OUT!
THANK U
SO MUCH!
U ROCK
TRINITY
YOU RULE
TYLENOL
(ACETAMINOPHEN)
- TREATS
INFLAMMATION
+ HELPS
PAIN
KETROLAC
^ SUPER STRONG
| IBUPROFEN
|
NSAID
2023年06月04日
59 hours since I got my
wisdom teeth out. Jesus
fuck. This hurts pretty bad.
Like it's been 1 hour or
so since getting kicked in
the jaw by a lumberman.
Or 2 hours since having my
headforcefully removed from
the intended destination of
a large automobile. Got.
It hurts to hell. I'm too
stubborn to take my
medication because I risk
liver damage according to
German authorities whom I
trust more than weak
spined americans.
I don't feel well mentally
either. My friend M-- is
out for the evening so
there will be no solace or
sympathy, no other bearer
of my pain. When pain is,
shared, I feel, it's diminished,
dissolved in a sea of hugs and
well wishes like salt into
water I have to swish in
my mouth thrice or so a day,
maybe more- it's said to
promote healing, so compared
to whatever frequency is
suggested surely I do more.
Ice helps but the shitty
ice packs given to me by
the oral surgeon don't freeze
in my shitty minifridge. I've
been offered
marijuana and alcohol by my
other roommates but I
partake in marijuana no longer
since March and have never
been much a fan of the fire water.
So much fire in my mouth
already. The flames lick
my eyes, my lips, consume
me in misery. They already
hurt before their removal,
now that I try to free myself
from the pain, they exact their
revenge.
I won't call M-- - she's having
fun and hasn't had any the
past three days looking out for
me. I'm so thankful for her
aid and friendship. She, singularly,
is my solace. I am so afraid
to lose her. I have ruined
every friendship with my
horrible medley of softness or
abrasion, always choosing the
worst tool, smothering or
slicing. M-- has me eating well,
acting well, socializing well,
and I think I can be a good
friend through everything.
As long as I am true to
myself and M--, I will be.
2023年06月06日
Ready or not, work,
here I come!
void in my mouth
see to my bone
see how I hurt
void now I'm out
please let me out
please fix my jaw
god fix me please
grant me release
grant me release
[drawing of dry socket]
[drawing of dissociation]
you can't put this
fox in a box
I won't suck on
your cock
out of every single
cage
I will run run run
run run run run
I can't recognize
faces
except when I'm
wrong
I don't feel human
or like I belong
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
anywhere anywhere
the pain never ends
no matter how loud I
scream
the black cavern inside
me
stub foot made of gangrene
I'm rotting, I'm rotten
I wish I was dead again
you say how little I'm
worth
you took me out of this
earth
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
out of this out of this
can you kill me
cuz I want you to
the dead have risen
I want back in my tomb
I awoke in the mud
to a cackling howl
skin decomposed, clotted
blood
in this pit under the moon
your spade made a \[thud\]
you held my skull in your arms
my blackened eyes shone
will you be my Frankensteined
groom
I never felt human
or like I belonged
could only recognize faces
when I was wrong
my heartbeat tortured me
ticket allthe time I was
suffering
when I poisoned myself
there was no one to comfort me
now you put this fox in a new
box
so I can suck on your cock
and feed me dog food
tell me when to bark
how can I complain?
this environment is quite
hospitable
I: Sand
Our tongues lay dry as
we woke up
No water, and the house
had no tap
I walked to the town
square
[...] 06-18 free
tom 1700 [...]
I spend all day at work
walking on the dead that
I've dropped
and all night in the forest
among the life that springs
up.
Hamburger's cooked hundred
fifty or so
the forest is sixty. Less
and I'm cold.
the day I'd like to make
it to next
is living for a living, so
I can live 'fore I'm old
SPENDING 2023-06-15
$386
$200 savings
$80 bill
$40 batteries
$10 VPN
[undated; likely 2023-06-17]
SNAKE OIL
None
"hello"
"5"
/ \
/ 5 \
/ ^ \
/ | \
/ | \
|/_ / \ _\|
eval("5") int("5")
"import os; os.system('destroy everything')"
[undated; likely 2023-06-18]
Spending the day with [...].
We were at [...] & [...]'s dorm
'till 1300 - it was quite
pleasant! Image macros printed
in gray adorned the bathroom
walls and soft toilet paper
greeted me when I used
their restroom, the focal
point of any living area.
The rest of the dorm was
also beautiful, I was just
really impressed at the
quality of the college
bathroom. Tomorrow's
Juneteenth, the anniversary
of the abolition of slavery
in the United States of America.
The last year was a little
wild but lead to now, the
first time in my life
where I really feel
happily content. I'm living
with [...] and my co-workers
[...] and [...] in a slum
in a less kind area
of a notoriously unkind
city in the alien state
of [...]. Where there is
no kindness, however, there
is honesty - truth in how
people live and labor.
The darkness occurs in
daylight and the grit in
air. Less secrecy, less
[the top of the page was torn]
[...] at the [tear]
named [...]
where I have ordered
pizza. I expected a
pizzeria experience and
now find myself in a
gourmet restuarant with
my backpack that, when
held closely, faintly
smells of cat piss and
my jacket that, when
held closely, overtly
reeks of musky sunny
day sweat.
[...] is probably gonna join
me after her cigarette and
coffee at the gas station
down the street, then
have some pizza if she so
chooses, and then we'll
walk around this downtown
and potentially visit the
art museum. A peaceful
weekend. I look forward
to all of this and a
scenic bus home and
walk to the apartment
and my soft, overpriced
sleeping bag and my
Ikea-brand plush
shark.
But right now on my
mind pacing is my pizza.
I am ravenously hungry,
made ravenous by the
[this is when the pizza arrived]
[...]
[...]
Skateboard
$10
Winslow Homer
Evening
[undated; likely 2023-06-19]
my snot is neon but I kinda
like it
looks like alien jism
saw a doctor but he didn't
know what
to do about my condition
maybe I should just
blow it out
snot's yellow just like
cheese from a cow
(moo)
my neighbor's purple, I kinda
like him
looks like Barney the dino
he killed a squirrel
and then ate it
[undated; likely 2023-06-22]
[[...]'s handwriting:]
[...]'S
BIRTHDAY
@ 24:30
GET MUFFIN
+ CANDELS
@ CUMBIES
$ ? [/:]
TRIN
(it's on me) :)
candles idk
muffin [check]
want me to
go _right_
_now_?
<^>
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