THE WRITER MUST EAT -> patreon.com/trn1ty <- blah! ideas with no tangibility; ideas with irrelevant supports; ideas without value; ideas' witlessness; ideas' witnesses; ideas- <^>
2023-02-20 So I finished deleting `devenblake/homepage' and walked back to the gas station as my phone died, bought two Twinkies, and sat outside the gas station eating them. I watched people come and go and then went back to the festival in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't really sure where I was but I figured it didn't really matter. I laid back in my bed. I was in my teens, I don't remember when. I had a glass of water and I had my instant coffee and I poured enough instant into the cup to substantially thicken the water, to the point where it was more like soup. At the time I did the math out for the caffeine and landed at 2.4g. I assume that's a gross overestimation and it was 2.0g or a little less. Either way, I'd already had a lot earlier that day, so it was more than a human being could survive. But at the time I didn't know that. I sipped the bitter sludge and watched cartoons until I noticed my arm tingled. Illuminated by mecha fights and animated machine guns I watched my left arm twitch and sputter and the muscles give into the voidal fabric in which I was swimming. Something was wrong. I did the math out on the caffeine and realized I had had too much. I went downstairs and started chugging as much water as possible, pissing, chugging water, pissing, repeat, repeat, repeat. Probably I had two or three gallons in half an hour. As I sat on the toilet in late night early morning silence I stared at the space in front of me and into the cosmos. And I stared at my cold fingertips and my polished arms and porcelain hands. And I stared into the bathroom mirror and inspected every pore, every hair follicle on my head, every speck of color in my iris, how very big my pupils were. I felt my brain hit my head and my thoughts drain out of my nose. And my metal torture. And I drank and pissed and drank and pissed and collapsed in bed and knew I wouldn't wake up and fell asleep and felt peace. And I woke up. And I went to sleep. And I woke up. And after summer ended I went back to school. And after school ended I went to my place of residence. And some summers later I left without shedding a tear or scratching regret. And I don't swing my left arm when I walk, and I think I know why, but I don't know why. <^>
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